Invisible Hand Revealed to be that of Helen Keller

In a revelation that shocked millions of capitalists around the world, economists in Estonia have finally identified the invisible hand guiding the free market as that of Helen Keller.

The Woman Behind It All

Ever since Adam Smith theorized the existence of the hand, identifying it has been the holy grail of the economic world. According to one expert, "finding the owner of the hand is something akin to popping a kickflip McTwist during a full 1080 in a miniature half-pipe. Basically really fucking cool, is what I'm saying here."

The study analyzed a vast number of trends, from the iPad to Wii Fit to American Idol to the canceling of Firefly, and concluded that the only possible explanation was an invisible hand acting almost completely at random. "Understand that we're not blaming Helen here," the study's author, Adom Smith was sure to add. "It's entirely possible that this hand has been acting without her knowledge. We just needed to get our results out to the scientific community to allow the restructuring of theories.

Some in the economic world objected to the study's ethics. "Why did they publish?" asked Fighters of Utilizing Confusing Keratoscopy, a group of learned economists that would like to remain anonymous. "What do we stand to gain from knowing our economy abides by the whims of a deaf-blind woman? This smacks of communism to us, and we won't stand for it. Plus couldn't it be some other deaf-blind kid?"

When asked about the study's findings, Helen Kellers was brief, but incredibly illuminating: "Mrrngghghaaa."

Horcrux Hiding Places

Places that would've been better for Voldemort to hide/make Horcruxes...

-Tossing one out the window on Highway I-93.
-A Gideon bible in a random Holiday Inn in North Dakota.
-Semen under the carpet. That stuff never goes away.
-The White House. Try destroying that.
-Random piece of sand on the beach.
-Random drop of water in the ocean.
-THE ENTIRE OCEAN.
-Luna Lovegood's hymen.
-One of the tapes in the NUTV office.
-A random basketball net in a random high school gym in some basketball court in Wyoming.
-This blog. No one ever finds it.

You know what I really need right now? A Kindle Fire. Look at this baby:

It's so badass. You can tell the fire will just leap right out of it. There's even an Angry Birds app on it as well as Mad Men. You can't get much more masculine than that.

Sadly, it'll never be mine.

Pictures

-M (such a stupid name) informed me that our blog needs pictures. I disagree, as a word is worth .1% of a picture. And since our Twitter-driven society is all about brevity these days, wouldn't you want the smaller little chunk?

...

Yes. I understand that argument doesn't make sense.

Here's what I don't like about pictures. You bring camera so you can document memories of stuff, right? But the catch: you generally aren't in your pictures. My parents told me to take pictures when I vacationed to the Dominican Republic. So I do. Took pics of the beach, and the shells, and the water, and the food, and all that stuff. And they were like "are there any pictures of you?" Of course there aren't! It's my camera! I'd look like a tool if I brought a camera to a place and then told the person I'm with to take a bunch of pictures of me. If someone tells me to take a picture of them, I'll give them a max of two. Any more than that, I think they're a dick.

And then I continue taking pics of them obediently like a neutered puppy dog.

But regardless! Seems like a bitch move. We need to invent a camera that attaches to you from a distance of about ten feet away from you. Like a helmet that attaches to your head and has a pole that holds a camera on you from a perfect distance. Of course, then you'd look like a moron.

But I'm used to that.

Generation Suck

It's official, I hate my generation. But not for the normal reasons.

No, it's not their taste in music. It's not because they're entitled-the baby boomers had that in spades. It's not that they can't manage to spell correctly or use proper grammar on the internet.

I hate my generation because they have no idea what good teaching is. To students these days, a good teacher is one that teaches you directly from lecture notes that they provide to you ahead of time, then goes through and highlights specific areas they plan to put on the test. It's not a teacher who encourages thinking or does a good job explaining the material; it's a teacher that reads the powerpoint and bolds it properly.

Even more than that, every student's first response to a poor exam grade is to ask the teacher to curve the test and/or make the next test easier. There's never a consideration of "Hmm, maybe I should have studied more" or "Hmm, maybe my study strategy was off." No, it's always the teacher's fault. In fact, if the teacher misgraded the test and gave people extra points, most people's gut response is to tell them that "they have no right to lower my grade."

Actually they do, dumbass, you got the question wrong.

I thought this would just be highschool, then I thought it might just be early college, but now I see that it's going to last forever. God save the world that's going to have this generation in charge. I hope the guidelines to running the country come in study guides with bolded areas of importance or the United States President is going to fail utterly in a few decades.

@ Jamie Schefen

Go home. No one wants you here.

5 Minutes of My Fingers Not Leaving the Keyboard

It's a really nice day but a little chilly... I like it chilly though. But I'd prefer my hands not to be cold. But wearing gloves sucks 'cause then I have less finger dexterity. That would be a cool invention, gloves that still give you feeling in your fingers. Then you could still feel the seams of a baseball when you were pitching, or how soft the person's hand you're holding feels, or hold a pen, or type, or stuff. Although I suppose if you could invent that technology the best use would be for condoms, 'cause then the dude could still feel the vagina stuff despite wearing the condom. Hmm. I'm never going to work on this idea at all.

Everybody just wants to fall in love... that's the song I'm listening to. Really no special insight there. A girl just dropped a paper in the trash can five feet to the left of me. I think it was a gum wrapper. Gum-chewing is on my top hundred list of things I dislike in a person... but it has to be excessive gum-chewing. I'm not a hound for it, like Willy Wonka and the Oompa-Loompas are. Did you ever think of that? How in Willy Wonka, gum-chewing is considered as bad as being spoiled and not reading and stuff? Seriously, it's not THAT big of a deal. Curious. Like, can you imagine if the Oompa Loompas did a song on finger-nail chewing? That's not the best habit in the world but it's not the worst either. There was so much other stuff that could've been done. Like... watch out for herpes or something. Terrible advice by Willy Wonka.

Now a person threw a Subway bottle out. Every time someone throws stuff out I think they're coming over to talk to me. I can't decide if I'm disappionted when they don't talk to me or not. I mean, a part of me would like the company but I really don't know what to say to the person that would possibly be talking to me. Of course if they initiated the conversation all pressure would be off me, it'd be up for them to carry it. I always feel like I'm the one responsible for directing the conversation. Maybe that's part of my personality? Or is it that I choose to interact with people that generally don't? I must admit that, now that I think of it, some of my better friends are the ones that direct the conversation about equally to me. So maybe that's what makes friendships. Not conversation-hogging. I like people that I don't need to think of things to say with. Or if there's a silence and they don't look at me wide-eyed like "YOU'RE FAILING SAY SOMETHING YOU LOSER YOU'RE FAILING THIS CONVERSATION." Maybe no one is actually thinking that, maybe that's just my imagination.

I just smiled at a little girl. The big man behind her looked at me funny. I ducked my head.

Five minutes is ending in ten seconds. What can I write what can I write umm umm parad